It’s a strange and lonesome night. You’re trapped in a gloomy, cramped space, and you can’t remember how you got here. Someone’s gripping you in a deadly choke-hold, and no matter what you try, you can’t seem to shake him off!
What do you do?
Suddenly, you see an opportunity before you – your attacker seems to be distracted for a moment, and has loosened his grip.
Quick! You go with your gut instincts, and rush forward! Squirming out from under those monstrous fingers, you fling yourself into a dark and warm hiding spot.
Unfortunately for you, you are an eel. And that warm spot is the rectum of a drunken Chinese man.
…
Maybe this is already old news, but it’s probably still worth retelling:
A few weeks ago, a middle-aged and average-looking Rice Paddy Eel from South China, found itself lost in translation inside the anal cavities of a rapacious male human. Both parties were guilty of being alive at the time. Only one survived the encounter.
After a grueling operation, which lasted all night, the eel was rescued, miraculously still breathing. But he passed away shortly thereafter, probably due to shame.
The man is currently healing from a chewed up colon. He faces charges of animal cruelty, mutual but non-consensual (man was drunk! eel was eel.) He also faces a lifetime of hahaha from those who know him; and will likely always be at the butt end of bad jokes, like so.
It was his doctor that just had to blog about it to the world – she couldn’t keep this juicy story to herself. With gut-wrenching detail, she recites a poetic tale of a desperate Sushi searching for his beloved Rice Paddy: and like Romeo and Juliet, both parties met tragic endings.
But, their ending parts weren’t the only tragedies. The internet swept up the doctor’s poetic tail, and has been abuzz for weeks with sad, corny puns, like so.
Additionally, the Japanese porno that the man was watching at the time, from whence he gathered his brilliant idea, was also investigated for tragic content. And apparently, in some shady parts of Japan, this manner of playing with one’s food – is a thing.
Fishy as it may sound to vanilla outsiders, in fact, this fetish has old roots. From octopus tentacles to frog eggs, the Japanese “Genki” is full of oceanic feelings, of the variety that would make even Freud blush.
But before we go about pointing fingers towards the East, exoticizing their ways, let’s not forget that many a pale-faced gerbil has found its way up Western tunnels, including one speculative journey up Richard’s Gere – box.
And gerbils are mammals, with claws!
….
So we are gathered here today, to mourn the death of a very special eel, who until recently, lived a fairly simple life, as eels do. He loved burying away in the muddy rice paddies of Southern China, and he did so with great tenacity and zest.
